Maybe I Think Too Much: Understanding Overcontrol
Most of us like to do a good job. We care about meeting expectations, keeping our promises, and putting our best work into the world. But for some people, this desire crosses an invisible line—turning into a relentless drive to be flawless, never make a mistake, and maintain control at all times.
This is the territory of overcontrol, more commonly known as perfectionism.
What Is Overcontrol?
Overcontrol is a personality style characterized by excessive self-control. It’s not just about high standards—it’s about rigid rules, emotional restraint, and a tendency to avoid risks or uncertainty. People with an overcontrolled style often put enormous energy into doing things “the right way,” and can feel deeply unsettled when life doesn’t go according to plan.
While perfectionism is often used as the shorthand term, “overcontrol” captures a wider pattern: it’s about controlling emotions, relationships, and environments—not just personal performance.
Signs You Might Be in Overcontrol Mode
You might notice yourself:
Setting impossibly high standards—and feeling disappointed even when you meet them.
Avoiding mistakes at all costs, sometimes to the point of procrastination or burnout.
Struggling to relax, fearing that letting your guard down will lead to failure or rejection.
Suppressing emotions, especially those that feel “messy” or “unacceptable.”
Over-planning to avoid uncertainty, rather than allowing room for flexibility.
Why It’s a Problem
Overcontrol can bring short-term rewards—success at work, a polished public image, a reputation for reliability. But it comes with a cost. Research links high levels of perfectionism to:
Chronic stress and anxiety
Depression and low self-worth
Burnout and physical health problems
The Relationship Toll of Overcontrol
Relationships thrive on openness, vulnerability, and shared imperfection. Overcontrol can make this difficult. Common challenges include:
Emotional distance – Others may feel shut out if you rarely express feelings or only show a “composed” version of yourself.
Unrealistic expectations – Perfectionistic standards applied to partners, friends, or family can create tension and resentment.
Difficulty with trust – A need to control outcomes can lead to micromanaging or reluctance to rely on others.
Conflict avoidance – In the name of keeping things “under control,” important issues may go unspoken, which can erode connection over time.
Reduced spontaneity – Loved ones may feel interactions are overly planned or emotionally guarded, leaving little space for playfulness or intimacy.
These patterns can unintentionally leave both partners feeling lonely—even in otherwise “stable” relationships.
How Overcontrol Develops
Overcontrol often starts early. Some people grow up in environments where mistakes were met with criticism, or where love felt conditional on achievement. Others may have learned that staying composed and “together” was the safest way to cope with unpredictable or emotionally charged situations.
Over time, these strategies can become habits—automatic responses to any perceived risk.
Treatment Options for Overcontrol
The good news is that overcontrol is highly responsive to targeted therapeutic approaches. Some evidence-based treatments include:
Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT)
Designed specifically for overcontrolled personality styles, RO DBT focuses on increasing emotional openness, flexible responding, and social connectedness. Clients practice expressing vulnerability, taking healthy risks, and loosening rigid rules.Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT helps identify perfectionistic thought patterns and replace them with more balanced, realistic thinking. It often includes behavioral experiments to challenge fears around mistakes.Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)
CFT addresses the self-criticism that often fuels overcontrol, cultivating kindness toward oneself and others.
In all of these approaches, therapy provides a safe environment to practice flexibility, authenticity, and self-compassion—qualities that can make life richer and relationships more satisfying.
A Final Word
Overcontrol may have helped you survive or succeed in the past—but it doesn’t have to define your future. Real connection, creativity, and well-being flourish not in perfect conditions, but in human ones. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is let life be imperfect… and trust that you’ll be okay anyway